Depressed Chapter 14

“It would be fine if you just killed them,” the mechanical voice said. “Don’t you want to kill them?”

“If you did that, they wouldn’t be able to mock you anymore,” it continued.

It spoke as if it were nothing out of the ordinary, as if killing them were no different than killing a chicken.

Shen Lian hesitated for a moment, then asked, “What happens when someone dies? Where do people go after they die?”

“They go up to the sky,” it replied. “That way, they can finally shut up. They won’t cry anymore, either.”

Shen Lian covered his ears and said, “Let me think about it.”

He didn’t think for long, because the gentle kindergarten teacher soon arrived and managed to soothe every child.

Shen Lian quickly pushed the abrupt voice in his ear to the back of his mind.

The kindergarten teacher taught the class a few new pinyin, then handed out a sheet of drawing paper to each child, letting them draw.

Shen Lian took out his crayons from his backpack and began to scribble on the paper.

The blue one was his adoptive father, who always smiled kindly and treated him with real care.

The gray one was his adoptive mother, who rarely appeared. Shen Lian had overheard the neighbors’ hushed gossip, saying she fooled around outside. Shen Lian didn’t really understand what “fooling around” meant.

The pale yellow one was his sister. They weren’t related by blood, not even from the same orphanage. By the time Shen Lian came to this family, she was already there.

Shen Lian drew with great care, even sketching his sister’s pretty little yellow braids. His sister was good in every way, except that she hardly spoke, and never spoke to Shen Lian.

Shen Lian handed his drawing to the teacher.

The teacher looked it over and smiled, asking, “Why aren’t you in the picture?”

Shen Lian thought for a moment before answering, “I forgot.”

The teacher couldn’t help but laugh.

There was still outdoor activity time at kindergarten.

Many children liked to play on the slide.

Shen Lian lined up behind that little boy.

The boy was standing at the very top of the slide, clearly not steady on his feet.

“Push him now!” the voice in his ear urged. This time, it wasn’t the flat mechanical tone—it was laced with temptation and coaxing.

Shen Lian stared at the back of the boy’s head, saying nothing, making no move.

“He called you a bastard. Why should he have a mom and dad when you don’t? That’s not normal, not fair,” it said.

The seductive undertone grew stronger, making Shen Lian feel dizzy and dazed.

Just then, a voice called out, “Lian Lian!”

Shen Lian looked down. A child with a small water bottle hanging from his neck was waving at him.

There were many classes in this kindergarten. Shen Lian was in the Star Class, and the boy calling him was from the Moon Class. He was a new friend Shen Lian had made, named Zheng Qing. Shen Lian always felt he looked familiar, as if he’d seen him in a dream.

Shen Lian slid down the slide.

“If you call me Lian Lian again, I’ll beat you up,” Shen Lian threatened, expressionless. He really disliked that name; it sounded like a girl’s.

Zheng Qing handed his water bottle to Shen Lian. “Do you want some water?”

Shen Lian shook his head and handed over the candy the teacher had given out last period. “This is too sweet. I don’t want it. You can have it.”

Zheng Qing grinned.

Shen Lian took out his drawing to show him.

“This is Uncle, this is Auntie,” Zheng Qing said, pointing at the little figure in the pale yellow dress. He hesitated, “Is this you?”

Shen Lian glared at him. “That’s my sister.”

“Oh, your sister… Does she go to school here too?”

“No, she’s already in elementary school,” Shen Lian said.

“No wonder I haven’t seen her,” Zheng Qing replied. “Is she your dad’s child?”

“Probably not,” Shen Lian said. Children didn’t understand nothing; gossip found its way to their ears, too.

“Mom doesn’t sleep with us. If she were her own child, she’d probably sleep with us, right?” Shen Lian said, a little wistfully.

“I sleep with my mom,” Zheng Qing said.

“Why does he get to have a mom and dad? That’s not fair,” the voice in his ear sounded again.

Shen Lian didn’t understand why it kept repeating these things. His family was happy enough.

His adoptive father treated him well, and his sister treated him well too—though his sister was always so silent.