Extra: Feng Jingyu

The little girl slept soundly, unaware as a shadowy figure approached, tugging down the pants of her young, defenseless self…

Feng Jingyu jolted awake, her body trembling uncontrollably from the nightmare. Her roommates were still asleep; only she had awakened.

She slowly sat up, leaning against the wall behind her. The chill of the wall seeped into her bones, gradually stilling her shaking body. But all traces of sleep had vanished. She remained sitting on her bed until dawn.

Her roommate’s alarm rang, waking everyone in the dormitory. Only then did Feng Jingyu leave her bed. After washing up, she went to the cafeteria for breakfast, then headed to an empty classroom.

She opened her backpack, took out a slightly rusted utility knife from her pencil case, and, expressionless, drew a line across her left wrist.

Beads of bright red blood slowly welled up from the wound. Feng Jingyu drew a second line.

She did this three or four times in a row. Her wrist was now a crisscross of bleeding scars. She stared at the wounds for a while before getting up and going to the restroom to rinse the blood away.

The cuts on her wrist soon began to redden and swell—a sign of infection. Feng Jingyu pulled down her uniform sleeve, just enough to cover them. When she returned to the classroom, a few people had already arrived.

Feng Jingyu didn’t greet her classmates. She went to her seat, took out a notebook, and began to draw and write in it.

·

It was Friday. At her high school, boarding students were allowed to return home on weekends. She packed her things and took the bus home. The music in her headphones carried a gentle warmth, bringing a little life back to her cold body.

When she got home and opened the door, she saw her stepmother sitting on the living room sofa. Instinctively, Feng Jingyu felt a twinge of fear. She stood in the doorway, softly calling, “Auntie,” not daring to move.

Her stepmother snorted impatiently. “Hurry up and come in, or people will think I’m abusing you.”

Feng Jingyu silently closed the door, took off her shoes, and changed into slippers. Just as she was about to return to her room, her stepmother spoke again. “You’re on your own for dinner tonight. I’m not in the mood to cook for you.”

Feng Jingyu quickly replied, “Okay, Auntie.”

But her meekness did nothing to lessen the woman’s anger; if anything, it only made her more furious.

“You need to learn to be grateful, you hear me?! Your father cheated, left with nothing, and now this house is mine! If your aunt hadn’t begged me, do you think I’d let you stay here?!”

Feng Jingyu gripped her sleeve, let go, then gripped it again, at a loss.

“Just looking at you annoys me!” her stepmother snapped, then slammed the door and left.

Feng Jingyu stood there for a moment before returning to her room, putting down her backpack, and deciding to make herself some noodles.

The landline rang. Feng Jingyu picked up the receiver.

“Hello, who’s calling?”

“Is… Jingyu there?” The voice on the other end was familiar.

“Aunt,” she said.

“Where’s your aunt?”

“She went out.”

“Your father wronged her. It’s only natural she’s upset. Be good, don’t make her angry, understand?”

“Mm.”

“Take care of yourself. Tell Auntie if anything happens.”

“Mm.”

The call ended. Feng Jingyu put down the receiver and went to the kitchen to make herself something to eat.

·

But that dinner was not to be.

There was a knock at the door. Feng Jingyu opened the wooden door and, through the security door’s peephole, saw a familiar figure.

“Dad!” Feng Jingyu quickly opened the security door, wanting to rush into his arms, but in the end only took a step forward.

“Dad’s found a place to live. Come on, let’s go home,” her father said happily. “Just grab a few things for now; I’ll come back in a few days to help you move the rest.”

“Okay!” Feng Jingyu nodded vigorously, ran into her room, grabbed her backpack, packed a few clothes, and returned to the door. She hesitated, then took her father’s arm.

“All set?”

“Yes, I’m ready.”

“Then let’s go.”

Feng Jingyu followed her father out of the house and got on the back of his motorcycle. She looked back at the house, hoping she would never return.

·

The motorcycle wasn’t going very fast. After they set off, her father spoke again.

“Jingjing, remember to greet everyone when we arrive, all right?”

Feng Jingyu hugged her backpack tightly. “Is it… a new Auntie?”

“That’s right. She’s very kind and gentle. She’ll treat you well.”

“Mm.” Feng Jingyu lowered her eyes.

They arrived at a village within the city, not far from their old neighborhood, where rental ads were posted everywhere and the streets bustled with life.

Her father parked the motorcycle and led Feng Jingyu into a low building, up to the third floor, and opened one of the doors.

“Honey, I’m home!” her father called loudly.

A young woman poked her head out of the kitchen, her smile shy. “Why so loud?” Her gaze fell on Feng Jingyu, her eyes warm and kind. “You must be Jingjing? Come in, have you eaten? I made soup, just the way you like it. Your dad says you love it. Try it first—if you don’t like it, let him eat it and I’ll make you something else.”

Feng Jingyu’s tense body relaxed a little.

“Okay.”

·

The soup was delicious, even better than her father’s cooking.

Feng Jingyu expressed her appreciation, and her new aunt smiled brightly. After the three of them finished eating, Feng Jingyu immediately got up to clear the table, but was stopped.

“I’ll do it, you rest. Later we’ll go shopping at the night market,” her new aunt said.

“Shopping?”

She sighed. “Your dad brought you here in such a hurry, I haven’t prepared anything. There’s nothing for you—no bedding, nothing. We’ll go buy new ones, and you can pick what you like.”

Feng Jingyu obediently put down the dishes. Her father helped her new aunt clear the table, the two of them chatting and laughing in the kitchen. Feng Jingyu sat alone at the table, separated from their warmth by just a wall.

When they came out of the kitchen, her new aunt grabbed her wallet and took Feng Jingyu’s hand affectionately. “Let’s go, let’s shop together.”

Feng Jingyu followed her out the door.

·

The night market was close by, just a street away. By then it was bustling, crowded with people. Her new aunt kept chatting with her, afraid she’d feel left out.

“Dad told me to call you Auntie, but I think you’re pretty young.”

“Yeah,” her new aunt replied, a little embarrassed. “Your dad says I’m only five years older than you.”

Feng Jingyu showed no surprise. “Should I call you ‘sister’ instead?”

“Better stick with Auntie, or your dad will get embarrassed.” Her new aunt stuck out her tongue.

“All right.”

“Jingjing, I know my arrival might make you uneasy. And I don’t think we can really be mother and daughter. So, in private, let’s just be sisters. In public, I’ll still be your Auntie. How about that?”

“Mm, that’s good.” Feng Jingyu smiled.

“Your dad says you’ve suffered a lot. We don’t have much money right now, but I still want to make it up to you. Is there anything you want to buy?”

Feng Jingyu looked down, and after a while said, “I like listening to music. I want a CD player—a Panasonic, if that’s okay?”

“A CD player? Sure, we’ll tell your dad when we get back.” Her new aunt agreed quickly, but Feng Jingyu still heard a trace of hesitation.

In those days, a portable CD player wasn’t cheap. Feng Jingyu knew she shouldn’t have asked for it, but she did anyway.

She needed something to shut out the world.

·

The next day, her father took her to buy the CD player she’d dreamed of.

She instantly fell in love with a new, lightweight white model. It cost 1,600 yuan—a number Feng Jingyu would remember for years.

She also remembered how her father’s hand seemed to falter as he paid. She pretended not to notice, holding her beloved CD player as if she wanted to memorize every detail.

With her favorite music, she could finally fall asleep to the voice of her favorite singer.

Back at school, she carried her CD player everywhere, never parting with it from morning till night.

When she went to college and MP3 players became popular, she finally put her CD player away.

Her university was far from home—a green train ride of nearly nine hours. She hated the train’s environment and was extremely averse to contact with strangers. Luckily, a fellow student from her hometown shared the same route, sparing her much unwanted physical contact.

Besides escaping her hometown, college had another benefit: she had a little more money.

Her father hadn’t wanted her to continue her studies.

Her college entrance exam results weren’t terrible, but not good enough for a top university. Her aunt pulled some strings and got her into a medical college to study nursing.

Even so, her father refused to pay tuition, insisting she get a job instead.

In the end, her biological mother covered the expensive tuition, and her father only had to give Feng Jingyu 400 yuan a month for living expenses.

Four hundred yuan, for someone with few material desires like Feng Jingyu, was enough if she scrimped and saved. She bought her favorite singer’s official CDs and listened to them every day, never tiring of them.

She didn’t like nursing, but if she didn’t study, she’d have to work. Even if she disliked her major, she had to stick with it.

But she never put her heart into her studies—just enough to pass, as long as she didn’t have to retake anything.

And so, drifting along in a daze, she graduated.

·

Her first hospital job was also thanks to her aunt’s connections.

But having always curled up in her own shell, Feng Jingyu was completely ill-equipped for the complex social world of a hospital.

She tried hard to learn, but nothing seemed right. The instructors always kindly asked if she was too tired, but never actually taught her anything. What she’d learned in school was useless in the clinic.

Just as she was starting to adjust, she was told the department didn’t need her. In the new department, it was the same story—friendly instructors, but no real guidance.

Feng Jingyu retreated deeper than ever into her imaginary worlds.

Thanks to the reading speed she’d honed as a child, she could read four or five comic books and three or four novels a day.

There was a popular book rental shop near the hospital, and in just a few months, she’d read everything they had.

Martial arts novels, fantasy, romance, BL—she read them all. Anything that let her escape her suffocating reality was fair game. She even found time to go to the nearby internet café, playing online games or catching up on new anime. Her days were packed so tightly there was no room for anything else.

In the end, the hospital where her aunt worked didn’t keep her. She was let go and returned to her mother’s city.

·

Fortunately, her aunt had a wide network. Even in her mother’s city, there was a hospital willing to take her for her aunt’s sake.

The social environment was still complex, but at least here she was told what she could and couldn’t do.

Feng Jingyu quickly adapted, using the clumsy social skills she’d learned before to slowly fit in.

Her mother, who had remarried early, never had another child. Perhaps to make up for lost time, her mother didn’t like Feng Jingyu going out, preferring her to stay home when not at work.

Summer was too hot—she might get heatstroke. Winter was too cold—she might catch a cold. Feng Jingyu accepted these feeble excuses in silence, rarely going out.

Her mother bought her a computer and set up an internet connection. Feng Jingyu began to write her own stories on it.

After reading so many novels, her favorites were BL stories. She wanted to create her own “food,” so she started writing fanfiction for comics.

She quickly gained a reputation in the fandom for her fast and high-quality output. Gradually, the ID “Autumn Whisper” became popular in fan circles.

As long as “Autumn Whisper” was around, there would always be something to read.

This became common knowledge among everyone in the fandom.

Later, not content with the world of fictional characters, Feng Jingyu started following celebrities. At that time, both K-pop and J-pop were all the rage. Determined to have it all, she followed every boy group and girl group that became popular, and kept writing fanfiction for them.

She was terrified of empty time, hoping her hobbies could fill every moment.

·

But setbacks found her once again.

From overuse, her eyes developed symptoms of retinal splitting. Feng Jingyu was already highly myopic, and her left retina had even developed two holes. She was forbidden from using the computer and could no longer write stories.

Now, her eyes were like a ticking time bomb. If she was lucky, they’d last until old age. If not, she’d go blind.

Faced with her mother’s constant worry, Feng Jingyu calmly accepted the truth.

She picked up her long-neglected headphones and bought a dedicated HIFI player for music. When she closed her eyes and listened, it was as if she’d returned to the days of her CD player.

Unable to read, she started listening to audio dramas, both domestic and foreign. She even found albums from her favorite singer from her youth online.

That singer, a prodigious talent, had died young, leaving behind only a handful of albums, each one deeply moving.

Listening to that music, Feng Jingyu remembered her self-harming days in high school. She’d had countless thoughts of slitting her throat—once, she’d even written a suicide note, but never found the courage to follow through.

Just as she was considering other ways to leave the world, she received a letter.

It was a reply from that singer.

Feng Jingyu no longer remembered what she’d written in her original letter, but in his reply, there was a passage that rekindled her hope for life:

[My dear fan, remember: in this world, no one is obligated to save you. Not even your parents. The only one who can break free is you. Only you can save yourself.]

Feng Jingyu cried for a long time after reading that letter.

From that moment on, the person she loved most was herself.

She held on. She’s held on until now. Even if she can never write stories again, even if one day she truly loses her sight, she will live well.

To let the person she loves most live on—that is her life’s goal.